By Al Benson Jr.
I was on my way out the door one morning last week when I saw a van from the Federal Police Department parked in front of my neighbor John’s house. This caught my interest, as John is a pretty quiet guy who lives alone, plays chess, and pretty much never bothers anybody.
As I watched, out John’s front door came two federal policemen, dragging John along with them in handcuffs. Risking possible arrest, I went over to John and asked him what he had done that warranted this kind of treatment. His answer was “I killed a field mouse two nights ago with a mouse trap. Now it turns out that I am in violation of Federal Statute XXX501P3, which delineates exactly how and when field mice may be trapped.” The policemen, probably figuring I was no threat, let John talk to me, probably figuring that I might learn something from him that would frighten me into towing the line when it came to the trapping of field mice. As the federal officers dragged John into their van he asked if I might be able to stop and see him at some point and bring him a peanut butter sandwich (even though potentially “racist” they haven’t been outlawed yet) and I said I would try.
As I am the owner and writer of a small Internet blog spot I call “Right Turn” (although I have been urged to change its name to Left Turn), I thought I’d check out this federal statute that John had supposedly violated. I went to the local branch of the People’s Federal Records Bureau to look up the statute in question. The statute in question was 19 pages in length, longer than the Epistle of Hebrews in the Bible. Turns out it was not a law enacted by the People’s Congress, rather it was a federal executive order promulgated by the Obummer Administration and it covered not only field mice, but also cockroaches, mosquitoes, hornets, scorpions, horned toads and a whole series of species, collectively referred to as “creeping wildlife.” The statute specified that, within all residences, ant trails, mouse trails, and anyplace that might possibly contain any form of creeping wildlife had to have signs posted, in three languages,although it had since been amended to include Arabic along with the original three, warning the creeping wildlife that they were now in a human environment and that they had best be careful within that environment or the nasty humans there might swat, stomp or otherwise maim them for life. Of course such horrendous human responses to these poor and oppressed creatures was, unfortunately, normal, hence the signs had to be posted to warn them. To not post these signs within your domicile could earn you a prison sentence of up to five years. Tragic though it was, most of these creatures never seemed to be able to read these government mandated signs. Maybe they all went to public schools. I don’t know what the problem was, or is, but they just don’t read the signs put in homes for their benefit and so lots of folks end up in the slammer for inadvertently stepping on a cockroach or two. Of course no one gets away with such a high crime because the video cameras in our homes record everything–just everything! Apparently John had forgotten to put out his warning signs for the creeping wildlife and the video camera in his house noted that lack.
This federal statute had been originally introduced to our current political messiah by one Crass (Crassius) Sunnspotte, Mr. Obummer’s Neglected Animal Czar. Mr. Sunnspotte is the head of the cabinet level Department of Creeping Wildlife Agency (DeCreep for short). There were once some people that made the statement that Mr. Sunnspotte was the perfect choice for such a sensitive post, as, of all of Obummer’s czars, he most resembled the creeping wildlife he sought to protect. Unfortunately, those people were found guilty of “speech crime” and are now locked away in federal detention centers where they have plenty of creeping wildlife for company–but there are signs warning the creeping wildlife about contact with humans in all their cells, so the federal laws are being observed. Mr. Sunnspotte has assured all and sundry that his department will not hesitate to prosecute anyone caught swatting a mosquito or a house fly. In fact he has become one of the Regime’s leading advocates for “flyswatter control” legislation.
I had thought of possibly doing an article for my blog on creeping wildlife terrorism and so I did some Internet research on Mr. Sunnspotte. Turns out he did a television interview about a year ago in which he outlined his thoughts about human population reduction. Seems he felt that with less humans around there would be more possibilities for the creeping wildlife to proliferate nationwide. One of the interviewers asked him about his thoughts on abortion and he noted that he had no problem with that. He felt the compassionate thing to do was to reduce the number of human “useless eaters” to provide more breeding areas for his varmint charges. He felt that humans had evolved about as far as they were going to in the 60 trillion years of human history–from the goo, to the zoo, to you–and since mice, bugs, and other related entities had not yet reached the evolutionary status man had, why it was time to get as many men as possible out of the way so as to make the continuing evolution of his lower forms of friends more viable.
Someone reminded Sunnspotte of the Scripture verses commanding man to subdue the earth and to have dominion over it. Sunnspotte sneered at this thought and questioned the notion of a God that would be so merciless that He would put man in charge of everything. Sunnspotte was reminded that he was a man and that, as such, he was trying to take dominion over the lives of everyone with his rules about preserving insect life. He responded that he was different than other men, that he was special, and so the rules that applied to the rest of us peons did not and do not apply to him as one of the saviors of the universe. He is exempt from the rules he makes for the rest of us, and we should understand that because he is, after all, more “enlightened” than we are. And the administration he serves in is a glowing example of the purity, integrity, and transparency to which we should all aspire.
After looking up these statutes and all this information about Mr. Sunnspotte and his pure-as-the-driven-snow administration, I had planned to do an article on this for my blog spot. However, when I got it all written and went to post it I found that the Obummer Administration had just shut down the Internet in a compassionate move to protect the people from themselves, and so I never got to post my article. Maybe someday.
In the meantime, I will be content to contemplate upon Psalm 2 and consider the implications of that Scripture in regard to Messrs Obummer, Sunnspotte, and the rest of their bug-loving cronies.