Old Blue and the Global Warming/Great Birdseed Caper

By Al Benson Jr.

While out shopping recently, I stopped at the local wild bird center to pick up some birdseed so that, between monsoons, our backyard birds could catch a snack. The wild bird center was closed–gone. Well, I thought, I’ll just stop at the local market on the way home and get birdseed. I stopped, but the market was plumb out of birdseed. Not a stray seed to be found anywhere. I stopped at one other place I’ve bought birdseed at before and the story was the same–zero, zilch, nada. Not a seed in sight. When I asked the clerk what the deal was with birdseed, or lack thereof, he said he’s heard something about some government agency sending spooks around to buy up birdseed. I always knew this government was for the birds but I didn’t think they had finally realized it too.

So, seedless, I headed for home. Along the roadside, fishing in one of the ditches, I saw Old Blue. He looked kind of blue and forlorn so I stopped for a minute to try to cheer him up–at least as much as a human critter can cheer up a great blue heron. As we visited, I mentioned the birdseed incident and, leave it to Old Blue, he knew what was transpiring while us human critters hadn’t a clue yet. Like many of us, Old Blue has become extremely distrusting of the “news” media, so he has started (wisely) getting his news off the Internet. Often he picks up a website called HeronSquawk.com which is operated by a tough old buzzard somewhere to the west of us, maybe in West Texas. Lots of tough old buzzards in West Texas and that’s not all bad. Anyway, Ol’ Buzzard seems to have come up with the lowdown on the disappearing birdseed syndrome this area, and others, are experiencing.

It seems that the Obummer Administration has a new animal rights czar named Crassius (Crass for short) Sunnspott. Mr. Sunnspott believes that animals should be suing people for hunting, fishing, keeping pets and all manner of things. Mr. Sunnspott is also a fanatic proponent of the global warming scam, er, sorry about that I meant theory, and like many of the current scientists of that persuasion, he is more than willing to help out his pet theory anyway he can. Real scientific data makes no difference–promoting the theory is everything, no matter how it’s done.

Mr. Sunnspott is also the head of a new federal agency called the Collective Regional Avian Project (CRAP). As the head of that group he has major concerns about bird migration, bird feeding and the like. According to Old Blue, Crass has a new bill in Congress to register and license all birdfeeders in the country to make sure they only contain quality birdseed, though if no one can get any birdseed because the feds are buying it all up, you begin to wonder how that will work. Though, it seems, Mr. Sunnspott has that figured out. He would like to levy a tax on all empty birdfeeders nationwide for failing to provide the birds with promised provisions. Leave it to the political turkeys to explore all the angles. Sort of like the people that believe the best way, short of confiscation, to promote gun control is to make sure no one can buy any ammo.

So, according to what Old Blue got from Ol’ Buzzard’s website, Sunnspott’s agency, CRAP, has been sending out people all over the country to buy up all the birdseed possible, especially in the South. It seems that the plan is to interrupt the migrations of Northern birds toward the Southern climes they usually head for in the winter by providing tons and tons of birdseed for them to eat in the Northern states so they won’t be tempted to head south for the winter. The rationale for this, according to Ol’ Buzzard, is that most people can be conned into thinking that global warming is a big problem if it stays so warm in the North that the birds can feed up there all winter and don’t have to come south to get a square meal. The fact that this past winter has been the coldest winter, both North and South, for thirty years matters not at all. Sunnspott’s federal agency will still push the line that it’s so warm in the North that the birds don’t have to migrate south for the winter anymore. If anyone dares to question that assumption they can be touted as racists, low-level terrorists, or some sort of right-wing extremists by the media, who, like the good lap dogs they are, eagerly await every opportunity to fulfill the desires of the Obummer Administration.

I don’t pretend to know just how this will all work out. In the North, CRAP is spending billions renting silos to store all that birdseed until they can use it and who knows if CRAP can prevail on the various species of birds to remain in the frigid North all winter while their propaganda paints it as an area that has totally succumbed to global warming. Besides, I’ve recently seen a few goldfinches, white-throated sparrows and other Northern varieties that seem to be sneaking down to the sunny South for the winter anyway, so CRAP’s program has not been entirely successful. But not to worry, it will continue anyway because it just might fool a few people into thinking that global warming is a real problem. And if it fools even a handful, ain’t it worth the billions the feds have spent? If anyone doubts all this, the feds will promote the old Orwellian theory—cold is warm!

Anyway, after conversing with Old Blue for awhile I went home to my bird feeders and prayed fervently that thousands of goldfinches will decide on the morrow that they don’t want CRAP’s birdseed and will head South for the winter after all, proving that the global warming theory was the bovine fertilizer sensible people knew it was from the beginning.

I also found out one reason that Old Blue was so forlorn looking the day I talked to him. He was cold! We’ve had some of the coldest weather here in North Louisiana for the past couple winters that we’ve ever seen here and Old Blue is already concerned because of the reports that this coming winter will be a cold one, which of course, the feds will blame on global warming.

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